Category: Family (Page 2 of 12)

Lighting the way

3 February, 2024 / masher / 8 Comments

Daughter’s car went in to our local Vauxhall dealership for a service and MOT, yesterday.

As it had a couple of advisories from last year, I agreed upfront to get those done.

Calculating it roughly in my head, I expected it to come to somewhere between five and six hundred quid.

But, I received the dreaded phone call halfway through the afternoon. If they ring toward the end of the day, you know that the chances are that everything is OK and the vehicle is ready for collection. But, those halfway-through-the-day calls? They can only mean one thing: more cost.

Which is exactly what happened here. It had failed it’s MOT. Not spectacularly, but it had failed nonetheless. Also there were issues with the brake fluid and the coolant, both of which needed to be replaced. The main culprit though was the nearside headlight – they were unable to adjust the beam and it looked like the mechanism had failed. It would need a new one.

“We have one in stock. That’ll be six-hundred and sixty-five pounds”.

“A hundred and sixty-five pounds? Bit pricey for a headlamp, but OK”.

“No. SIX hundred and sixty-five”.

“WHAT?!”

Unfortunately, she needs her car next week and so we haven’t got time to hunt around for one from a breakers yard or anything, and so I agreed to having it done.

Hobson’s Choice.

Total cost at the end of the day?

One thousand, four hundred and forty-four of your English pounds.

Eek!

I have to admit, the car does feel better; the engine feels a bit smoother and driving home from the dealership last night, I could actually see the road in front of me… which was nice.

But, 650 quid.

For a headlight.

For a Corsa.

Mad.

Motoring Madness

1 February, 2024 / masher / 13 Comments

Well, let’s kick this thing off with a bit of a rant, shall we?

Something that has been driving me absolutely barmy for a long time now, but which just seems to be getting worse: traffic.

This past week has been absolutely horrendous for me on the roads.

And by ‘roads’ I mean the M1 motorway.

Yes, I’m still having to drive my daughter to Watford each morning for work – more on that in a later post, probably – and quite often we get delayed due to an accident on the motorway.

But, this past week we have been delayed EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY due to accidents. Every day.

And trying to take alternative routes is pointless, because everybody else does exactly the same and the smaller roads just don’t have the capacity for that amount of traffic.

I have to feel sorry for the good people of Harpenden though: whenever there is a hold-up on the M1, the amount of traffic on Harpenden High Street increases ten-fold, as we all try to crawl our way further south and pick up the motorway a bit futher down.

Now, Friday’s tend to have less traffic and the motorway is usually quite a reasonable journey for us, but last Friday, it was horrendous! Again. Another bloody accident.

Not only that, but there was also an accident on the way home, which added another forty minutes to my journey.

Why do we have so many accidents on our roads? Why can’t people just learn to drive properly? I do wonder how many of these accidents are caused by people talking (or worse) on their phones whilst driving because, I see this happening every day.

And, driving too fast and too close to the car in front. Why is it, that when some people get behind the steering wheel – and I’m talking about the steering wheels of German cars in the main, here – they suddenly think they have Lewis Hamilton-like driving skills?

Which they don’t.

There is a campaign for the motorway speed limit to be raised to 80MPH. Eighty!

Good lord, please, no! It’ll only make it worse. There will be even more accidents.

How many millions of man-hours are lost each week, by us sitting in traffic, going nowhere?

How many accidents are there on the motorways each week? How many fatalities?

Although it’s a pain, in one respect, I don’t mind driving my daughter to work each day, as once she has passed her test, she will be on the motorway herself, driving alongside all those idiots.

And that thought fills me with dread.

Mini Me

21 January, 2024 / masher / 9 Comments

The first time Son beat me at chess, I put it down to me being caught unawares, what with him having been totally rubbish in all our previous games.

I vowed there and then, to not let it happen again.

But it did.

We have played a couple of times since then, and he has beaten me each time.

It would seem, the student has become the master (not that I’m particularly good at chess, but I was always better than he was!).

Last night, we went out for a family meal at a steakhouse in Stevenage. Usually, when we go out to these sorts of places, I am the first to finish my meal – because I don’t fuck about when it comes to food. But last night, I was only halfway through my 8oz sirloin when I heard Son put his cutlery down. I looked across at his empty plate and raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I was hungry”, he said, nonchalantly.

Afterwards, we went across to the Ten Pin Bowling alley and had a couple of games. Again, this is something I normally thrash the rest of the family at. But last night, I had to settle for second place, as Son showed us how it was done. Twice.

At the moment, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I found out that he writes a blog and has a thousand followers!

Hi honey… I’m home!

11 November, 2023 / masher / 10 Comments

Not that you’d know that I’ve been away… but I have.

We have.

The current Mrs. Masher and I.

Just returned from a very relaxing, all-inclusive, adults only holiday in Cape Verde.

‘Relaxing’ was the word: we planned to do bugger all and we did bugger all.

Apart from. going out on a catamaran for the day and also on some dune buggies.

Oh, and there was the 4×4 excursion.

And the longwalks in the blazing sun, to bag a couple of Geocaches. Mad dogs and Englishmen and all that!

But, apart from that, our time was mainly spent lazing in and around the pool, drinking beer and knocking back the ol’ cuba libras.

I did plenty of reading: various radio, electronics, computer and motorcycling magazines that I had taken with me, and also some books on my Kindle. I finally got round to reading (and finishing) Animal Farm – any time I mentioned that to any of the many casual acquaintances that we made around the pool, the conversation would always go thusly:

“What’s that you’re reading there?”

“Animal Farm”

“Oh, not the original one, I hope”, they would say with a loud snigger and a wink. It would seem that for many, the ‘original’ Animal Farm is a porn film about beastiality that was made in the 1980s, and not the George Orwell classic from 1945… which is, of course, what I was reading.

I also whiled away some of the time by listening to music and comedy shows that I had pre-loaded onto my mp3 player.

One day, as I lay giggling on my sunbed, under the shade of a palm tree, the young waiter who was collecting the empty glasses, asked what I was laughing at. “Steptoe & Son”, I said.

“I have not heard of this”, he said.

“It’s sixty years old, so I’m not really surprised”, I replied.

“What is it about?” he continued, his rictus-like smile never dropping.

“It’s about a father and son who work together in London as rag and bone men and…”. His uncomprehending eyes told me there was very little point in explaining any further. “Don’t worry about it”, I said. “Can I have two more beers, please?

What’s in a name?

4 June, 2023 / masher / 4 Comments

My son is doing an appreticeship as a vehicle mechanic (my dreams of him joining the RAF didn’t pan out, unfortunately). Friday evening, he was regaling us with a tale of something that had happened that day at work: “… and so my mentor was under the truck and he said to me ‘ Oi, Wankstain, pass me a 32mm socket willya’, and so I went over to his toolbox and…”

“Hold on”, said Mrs Masher, “What’s that he said?”

“Pass him a 32mm socket”

“No, before that. What did he call you?”

“Wankstain”

“Mrs. M wrinkled her nose up and gave that indignant look that tells us all that she isn’t happy about something. “Well, that’s not very nice!” she said.

“It’s just a nickname”, said Son. “Everybody there has nicknames and, being the lowest of the low – an apprentice – I get all the horrible ones. Last week I was ‘Shit-for-brains’ most of the week. It’s just banter. Doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s very nice. Do you want me to come down there and say something?”, said Mrs. M, not really grasping the social dynamics that reside within an all-male workforce.

“Errr… I’d rather you didn’t”, he said..

But this got me thinking. Most every place I’ve worked, people have had nicknames… especially when I was in the GPO / BT. I got away quite lightly with it: my nickname being a bastardisation of my own name… as it was for many others. We had an Abbo, a Clippy, a Pedro, a Bazzer, a Smithy, etc. Others got handed names like Spud and Biffo and Walrus, for various reasons. And yes, the lower ranking guys – the trainees and apprentices – were often saddled with more derogatory names. I can’t remember them all, but I do remember we had a Slug-guts and a Shit-legs.

Although some of these names weren’t particularly nice, there was never any malice attached. Well, rarely. It was – as Son pointed out – just male banter. I’m sure that if he had joined the RAF, he would also have been given a nickname of sorts.

But, I’m pleased to see that the woke brigade haven’t yet managed to infiltrate every British institution – the humble car mechanic’s garage may well be the last bastion for men to be able to talk like men.

Which makes me think (Again! That’s twice today!). When I was much (much) younger, I worked for a short while in a factory, where most of the workforce were women. I don’t remember any of them having nicknames. Do women give each other nicknames at work or is that a male thing?

Lé Weekend

23 May, 2023 / masher / 5 Comments

We went to the pixtures on Saturday evening, to see Fast & Ludicrous 64.

It was this: ridiculous.

I think I enjoyed the first F&F film, way back when, but they have gone from outrageous stunt to even-more-outrageous-and-unbelievable stunt as the franchise has progressed. I’m sure they came up with a whole load of crazy car-driving stunts first and then wrote a storyline around them.

I really wasn’t keen on going to see it, but was cajoled by a nagging family and the promise of a Nando’s beforehand.

Anyway, once in the cinema and seated in front of the Supersize Screen, I stuffed my face with popcorn and sort of enjoyed it.

What I enjoyed more, was the trailer for the forthcoming Mission Impossible 7 film. That’s a defo.

Then, on Sunday morning, I went with a friend up to our local, nerdy, radio rally and I took some stuff with me, to get rid of. I didn’t want any money for it, so put it on the club’s trestle table to help with their funds.

Mrs. Masher was most pleased to see me taking some stuff out of the loft at long last.

She probably won’t be so happy when she finds out that most of it is now in the garage, because I had to bring it back!

I couldn’t sell it. Some of it I couldn’t even give away for free! People just didn’t want it.

I was most surprised – and saddened – to see that all my lovely gear wasn’t snapped up by like-minded nerdy buyers.

It seems that Mrs. M was right after all: it’s just junk.

Sunday afternoon, Son and I went for a bike ride – some father/son bonding time.

I had to smile when he had the audacity to overtake me on the A505, as we rode up to Royston. Crouched over the tank of his little Yamaha YBR 125 and with his jacket flapping in the wind, he slowly – oh, so slowly – passed me, with a big grin on his face. With ten times less cubic capacity and eight times less BHP than me, I let him have his moment before I opened the throttle and used my three remaining gears to watch him quickly reduce to a speck in my mirrors.

But, it was a most enjoyable ride – we’ve never really ridden together before – and I was pleased to see that he is a competent and safe rider.

At least for now.

Fancy

9 April, 2023 / masher / 8 Comments

On Friday, we all went to a 21st Birthday, fancy dress party.

The theme was “Come As Your Favourite Movie Character”. Of course, that also translates as “Come as whichever movie character you can get a reasonably priced costume for”.

We were given plenty of notice, so after much umming and arring, I eventually settled on one of my favourite characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Anthony Edward (“Tony”) Stark.

Over several days, I built myself an Arc Reactor – the centrepiece of my costume. Of course it wasn’t a real arc reactor. The “real” one was made from some sort of Titanium alloy and was powered by a Palladium core. My version was made from MDF and a plastic milk carton and was powered by three AA batteries but, from a couple of feet away, it looked the part. I cut a hole in an old T-shirt for it to poke through and strapped it round my chest with some wide elastic. It kept falling down as I moved, so I added an extra strap over each shoulder. It felt like I was putting a bra on, but it also felt strangely comfortable – I didn’t even know I was wearing it. And the reactor stayed in place.

Tony Stark also has dark brown hair and a small anchor beard. I have neither of those, so over the course of several weeks, I grew a beard. A full beard. Urgh. I hated it. How you hirsute types put up with it, I don’t know.

Then, with the aid of a bottle of Just For Men (other male hair dyes are available), Mrs M dyed it all. It came out slightly too dark, but at least I no longer looked like I was aiming to go to the party as Father Christmas! Some hair clippers and a razor gave the desired look… well, almost: I would have needed anorther two months to get my hair long enough.

I bought a jacket from Amazon, that replicated the one he wore in Avengers – Infinity War and a pair of replica glasses from ebay. Funnily, no-one picked up that I had a Mk1 Arc Reactor but was wearing Infinity War clobber.

The kids went as Clark Kent and Lara Croft, whilst Mrs M went as Pepper Potts – Tony Stark’s girlfriend… a somewhat older Pepper Potts, who had let herself go.

But let’s face it, I wasn’t exactly portraying Tony in his prime!

There were a number of Blues Brothers’; several Ali G’s; a couple of Shaun Of The Deads; a Don Corlione; a Little Mermaid and a whole host of others that I can barely remember… because the bar served Estrella Damm on draught.

It was a great night, on a Good Friday.

Birthday Girl

14 March, 2023 / masher / 2 Comments

Today is Saber’s birthday.

Apparently.

She’s six-years old.

We don’t actually know her birth date for sure, but this was date that was worked out when we first got her as a puppy and we have stuck to it.

Of course, she doesn’t know it’s her birthday.

The significance of the extra bit of chicken in her breakfast passed her by, as she wolfed it all down, just as quick as she always does.

The extra couple of doggie biscuits in her mid-morning treat also went unnoticed, as they too were devoured ravenously, like we never feed her, or something.

And I’m sure tonight’s birthday meal of beef and tripe will be scoffed just as quick.

Unfortnately, chocolate isn’t good for dogs, so we will have to eat her birthday cake for her.

She can have a bit of cheese, instead.

Special birthday cheese, of course.

Quantumania

25 February, 2023 / masher / 6 Comments

Last night, the kids and I went to the pictures, to see the latest Marvel film – Ant Man & The Wasp: Quantumania.

Ant Man has never been one of my more favoured protagonists from the Marvel cannon, but I do like Paul Rudd’s portrayal of the character and I did enjoy the previous two efforts, so this one was always going to be on the cards for us.

Also, this is the first film in Phase 5, so whoever the big bad guy is in this one, he’s also likely to feature as the big bad guy in all the films that Marvel release over the next couple of years.

He’s the new Thanos.

Of course, ‘he’ could be a ‘she’… I’m not saying.

But, unfortunately, this film just didn’t work for me. It was too silly (yes, I know all Marvel films are silly, but this one was a little too much for my tastes) and it just didn’t hold my attention.

In fact, I fell asleep half way through and missed a big chunk of it.

Also – as is to be expected in a film like this – there was a lot of CGI. It was good, but it didn’t feel as well done as in some other films – I’m thinking here of the recent Avatar- Way Of Water, where the CGI was done so well, that I didn’t feel I was watching animated characters.

Overall, I enjoyed most of what I saw though and I’m suitably impressed with the new bad guy. It’s enough to give me hope for the future releases in this phase of the MCU.

Family Reunion

23 February, 2023 / masher / 7 Comments

My wfe and daughter returned from their holiday last night.

This means that, once again, I have to get used to sleeping with someone who steals the duvet, grinds her teeth and snores like an asthmatic bear.

It means that, whilst the daily energy energy bill has remained quite low for the past two weeks, the digits on my smartmeter display will now start ticking over like those on a pinball machine, again.

It means that the backs of the chairs and sofas will again disappear, becoming hanging space for various tops and hoodies and the like.

It means that the bathroom – which has been pristine for the past fortnight – will now be overloaded with bottles of shampoos and conditioners and lotions and creams and hairbrushes full of hair… and I give it two days before the plugholes get clogged up.

And, with females back in the house, toilet roll consumption will now go back from one a fortnight to one a day.

You know what… I wouldn’t have it any other way.

G-Force

20 February, 2023 / masher / 7 Comments

For years, my daughter has wanted to keep guinea pigs, but I’ve always said no.

As she wouldn’t keep them outside – “It’s too cold for them out there. They’ll DIE!” – and we didn’t have room indoors, I put my foot down and said no way.

And then, one day, I came home from work to find that she had acquired (with a little help and agreement from her mum, it turns out) two of the damn things, along with a cage to keep them in… a cage the size of a small car. It just about fits in her bedroom.

One of the tasks given me whilst she is on holiday with her mum, is to keep the pigs alive.

I’ve managed that… so far.

Before she left, I did ask – just out of interest – where I could buy two guinea pigs that looked exactly like hers. Just out of interest. She didn’t like that joke. At all.

But, they’re not dead yet, so I’ve just got to keep them going until she returns at the end of the week.

Yesterday, I thought I should clean out the cage, because they’ve had a week of pissing and shitting in there, so it must be rank.

I pulled on some rubber gloves, lifted the little blighters out and put them in a box and got to work.

I was right: rank.

But, they now have clean bedding and the old stuff has been washed and aired.

Took me about an hour to clean it all out and replace the bedding. Pain in the arse job that made my back ache.

Gimme a dog, any day.

Back To The Future

18 February, 2023 / masher / 4 Comments

I was walking the dog through the woods last night, when my phone rang.

It was the current Mrs. Masher and so we had a bit of a natter for about ten minutes.

Nothing unusual about that telephone call, other than the fact that I was walking in the woods and Mrs. M was nearly 4,000 miles away, on a cruise ship in the middle of the Arabian Sea.

And it got me thinking: when I was a kid, that kind of thing was the stuff of science-fiction, but today’s generation… well, they take it for granted, don’t they?

And I wonder if, in forty years or so, my kids will be thinking along similar lines:

“You kids have got it easy! I can remember in my day, when phone calls were restricted to on-world only. “