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One man. One life. No idea.

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“Up The Arse!”

I’ve never been much of a football fan.

Yes, I’ll watch the big England games, but that’s pretty much it, but even then, I’ll usually only watch it if it is a BIG game.

Years ago, when the guys  used to come in to the office on a Monday morning and for the first half an hour the only topic of conversation was the weekend’s footie activity, I used to feel a bit left out.

“You were lucky at the weekend, weren’t you?” they’d say to each other. Or “We wuz robbed… no way was that a penalty”.   I didn’t know what they were talking about, so I couldn’t get involved with the banter.  I mentioned this to Coops.

“You need to pick a team and follow them”, he said.

“OK, who’s at the top at the moment?”

“Arsenal”

“Right, I’ll follow them, then”

And I did, but still not enough to actually have a conversation with anyone about it.

I never went to any of their games and I never watched them on the telly… apart from a couple of times in FA Cup Finals (I think).

And I still ‘follow’ them to this day.

If you were to question me on the team, I’d be able to tell you that they are doing quite well at the moment (2nd in the league at the time of writing).

I could also tell you the manager’s name – Mikel Arteta – and the name one of the players… Something Saka. I think.

But, honestly, that’s it.

Most of the time, I can’t tell you where, if or who they are playing or whether they won, lost or drew their last game.

They’re probably playing today, but I couldn’t tell you who or where.

Anyway, it’s The Beautiful Game.

Apparently.

Keep On Running

Back in 2014, Mike over at Troubled Diva did a bit of a survey into who had the longest-running blogs on the Internet, in the UK.

I was pleased to make it into the top 20, having started my blog (I think they were still called Weblogs back then) way back in 2001.

Blogging platforms that are in abundance nowadays, were scarce back then. Blogger was in it’s infancy and Matt Mullenweg hadn’t yet invented WordPress, so I built the pages with Microsoft Frontpage.  All the clever kids were using Dreamweaver, but I just couldn’t get the hang of it.

Adding photos was time consuming and being able to leave comments wasn’t something, I knew how to do, so the pages were pretty bland to start with.

I switched to using Blogger in about 2002, but hosted on my own (paid for) server with my own (paid for) domain, rather than the freebie that Blogger was offering.

In November 2006 I sold my .co.uk domain to the BBC for a tidy sum, purchased masher.tv and switched to WordPress.

Incidentally, it was in February 2006 that I started this annual blogathon rubbish.

Nothing much has changed since.

Anyway, I got to wondering whether – ten years on – many of those bloggers of old, were still posting.

It seems a mixed bag.

A couple of people have just stopped completely.

A couple more blogs seem to have evolved into something less whimsical and more commercial.

But a few are still going strong.

And I like to count myself amongst them. Yes, there has been the occasional hiatus, where a lack of time, inclination or inspiration have left the blog stagnant for a period, but I don’t think that’s ever been for more than a month or so. And yes, I’m annoyed at having lost so many of my archives – bad management on my part when changing hosting companies several times over the years.

But, I am still here and I am still blogging.

And so, with all that, I reckon I must have moved up the Longest UK Blogger ladder.

I might even be in the Top 10 now.

Too High

The doctor recently told me that my haemoglobin levels are too high.
I need to have a series of tests to ascertain why, but in the meantime he has put me on a daily dose of Aspirin.

Last year, I was advised that my blood sugar level was too high… bordering on being classed as diabetic.
I was advised (ordered) to change my diet.

Just before that, a consultant advised me that my calcium levels are too high.
If I don’t get the levels down through a change of diet, he is threatening to rip some gland out of my neck.

And (apparently) my blood pressure has been too high for the past two years.

So why do I feel absolutely fine?

A Grand Night Out

“Slower”, I said. “You’re still going too fast. Here, like this…”

It took a bit of effort, at first, to master Policeman’s Gait. That’s not an official designation, but rather one that I made up, in order to describe the very slow amble required when walking the beat. If you were on a two-hour patrol around town, you’d easily go round it twice if walking at a normal pace. Better to slow down; use less energy and take in the surroundings.

“That’s better. No rush.” I said.  Lizzy nodded as she fell into step beside me.

Eliza was a very recent recruit and she was super keen. Bubbly and enthusiastic, she’d quickly endeared herself to the squad and – after several weeks of training and sitting behind a desktop – she was excited to be finally going out on the streets and it was down to me to show her the ropes.

We ambled along, making our way along the main road of a once prosperous area of the town that was becoming a bit run-down and now had an ethnic minority that was quickly becoming the majority.

We found a lone car, parked in the corner of an unlit parking area behind some of the shops. It didn’t look right and so we checked it out. It was locked and looked undamaged. “Do you know how to do a PNC check?” I asked Lizzy. She nodded an affirmation and immediately spoke into the radio microphone that was clipped to her jacket lapel. “Sixteen-Two-Three… can I have a PNC check please?”

“Sixteen Two-Three, go ahead”, said the male operator at the other end.  Lizzy read out the vehicle registration number into the microphone and her face beamed a minute later when it was confirmed that we were standing in front of a silver Ford Escort that had been reported stolen the previous week.  She looked at me and raised her eyebrows in a questioning “So, what next?” kind of way.

“There’s nothing much that you and I can do. Just tell them it’s here.”

“Well, it’s here”, she said into the radio.

“Er… OK” said the confused voice at the other end.

I laughed and took the microphone. “Sixteen Ninety.  Vehicle is secure and is located behind the carpet shop off the main road.”

“Roger. Thank you.”

“Yeah, OK… I got it”, said Lizzy as we resumed our slow traipse up the road.

Once we’d reached the end of the road, we did an about-turn and started our slow trek back toward the station. We hadn’t gone very far when pedestrians in front of us suddenly started shouting at us and pointing back to where we’d just come from.

I turned to see flames coming from a building and a crowd gathering outside. I shouted into my radio as we ran back up the road: “Sixteen Ninety! We have a building on fire at the top end of the main road. Request back up and Fire Service!”  Over the noise of our running and the commotion as we approached the building, I didn’t hear the response back from Control, but I assumed they were on it.

Part of the front of the building was ablaze. An onlooker told me he had seen someone put a petrol-bomb through the letterbox of the front door. There was no way we were going in there. We ran round to the back to find people exiting out of the rear fire doors… some of them were coughing and spluttering. I stopped one woman and asked her what was happening… were there more people inside?

She said there was.

I told Lizzy to try and keep people outside and stop them from wandering off as we might need witness statements and then I went into the building.

It wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined it would be – the fire was in the hallway, which was well ablaze, but someone had shut the door into the main area, preventing it from spreading in. Nonetheless, there was a fair amount of smoke making its way into the room from around the door and also through a small hole in the wall at about head height. I wondered briefly at how that hole might have come about but then dismissed it and continued further in.

The room was dimly lit. White fairy lights strung up on the walls were the only illumination, barely strong enough to cut through the increasing amount of smoke. A flickering yellow came in through the small glass window above the door that led out to the hallway.

The smoke was starting to fill the room and I held my handkerchief over my mouth with one hand, as I directed the half-a-dozen or so stragglers out toward the fire exit door where I had come in.

I cast a quick glance around the room to make sure it was clear and then noticed some movement in the corner. My eyes were now starting to stream from the smoke, but I made my way over to see what it was.  Behind a couple of turntables and a small mixing desk, I saw a fellow scrabbling about on the floor. “Oi! C’mon”, I shouted, gesturing him to get up and come with me.

“I’m the DJ, man…” he shouted back, with a strong Jamaican accent. “I’ve got to save my records!”

“Sod your records!” I said loudly. I grabbed his arm and dragged him away toward the exit and out into the street.

Police backup had arrived in the form of two Panda cars and the occupants had jumped out and straightaway started corralling the crowd away from the door, so that the Fire Brigade – who had also just turned up – could get in there.  I was pleased to see Rob, who immediately came up to me. “Having fun?” he said, with a grin.

The Fire Brigade did their stuff and witness statements were taken and then, just a few minutes later, a call came over the radio that a man fitting the description given, was seen running into the train station. Rob and his mate jumped into the car. “You coming?” he said.

“Too right!”.

Lizzy and I jumped in the back and Rob took off at speed.  We were at the train station in under two minutes, I reckon.

A chap in a British Rail uniform pointed towards some concrete stairs that had a sign saying “To Platform 3”.

“He went down there”, he said, “about a minute ago”. The four of us charged down the stairs

It was empty, save for a small group of lads standing at one end and there were a few more on the platform opposite, who looked over with interest as we clattered onto the paltform.

“There he is!” shouted Rob, pointing toward the far end of the platform. I turned and looked to see a figure jump off the end of the platform and start running up the track. We all legged it up the platform and – as I had been nearest – I reached the end first.  I jumped the three-feet from the platform to the ground and started to give chase, with super-keen Lizzy close behind me.

“Whoa! Whoa!” Rob shouted after us. “Get back here!” Our enthusiasm had got the better of us.

We trundled our way back and climbed back up onto the platform. “I could have caught him”, I moaned at Rob.

“Mate, not worth risking your life running up railways lines in the dark.  Leave it, we’ll catch him at some point”.

I don’t know if they ever did.

Lizzy and I got a lift back to the station and sat in the canteen with a cup of tea whilst we made up our pocketbooks.

“So, enjoy your first night out?” I asked her.

She looked up from her writing with a grin like the Cheshire Cat.

“Is it like this every night?” she asked.

“No”, I replied. “Sometimes it can get quite busy.”

A Grand Day Out

On Sunday just gone, myself, Son and a few mates went down to the London ExCel to see the MCN Motorcycle Show.

Like most of the other visitors, we went by car, which is something you might consider strange, but the inclement weather was the deciding factor there.

In the main.

Anyway,  we had a great time and we saw – as you would imagine – plenty of motorcycles and motorcycle related paraphenalia.

We saw big bikes and small bikes; fancy bikes and scruffy bikes; sensible bikes and some downright ridiculous bikes… such as the 48 cylinder eaxample of ridiculousness in this photo.

Henry Cole was giving a talk at one end of the hall and Charlie Boorman was on the microphone at the other end – if you’re not aware of Boorman and Cole, then you probably don’t ride.   In the middle, a small arena had been set up and a couple of guys on scramblers were giving demonstrations, riding over an obstacle course.  At times it was pretty noisy in there but it all added to the atmosphere of what was a pretty good show.

Many of the major manufacturers were in attendance: Triumph; Harley Davidson, etc, but surprisingly only three of the Japanese Big Four turned up, with Honda conspicuous by their absence.

Again.

I won a pen in the Triumph ‘Spin The Wheel’ competition and I’m almost guaranteed to win a 1983 Triumph 750cc TSX in the raffle… according to the lady who sold me the tickets.

One exhibitor which seemed out of place was Tails… a company we already use to feed our own mutt. Speaking with one of the chaps on the stand, I commented that it seemed a strange place to try and drum up trade. He smiled and said that the company had done extensive research over the years and after collating all the data, their scientists had concluded that some motorcyclists also owned dogs.

Fair point.

War

Both of my grandfathers fought in the war: my paternal grandfather, Charles, fought in WWI, whilst my maternal grandfather, Albert,  fought in WWII.

Charles was always a proud old soldier and – long after the war – was often to be found in the Royal Legion drill hall, getting pissed with his mates and reminiscing about the old days. Every few years he would travel to France by coach with a load of his old comrades, and proudly all wearing their medals, they would make their way to Belgium and tour Ypres, one of the main places where he fought during the war.  History shows that the battle there was terrible, with huge loss of life and many casualties, but nonetheless, he was always happy to talk about his time during the conflict. Sadly, he died before I was old enough to appreciate what he had done and I personally never really got to talk to him about it.

Albert, however, was never one for discussing what happened to him. We knew he was captured and put in a Prisoner Of War camp, but that was about it.  But, after doing some research on my family tree, I have managed to find some war records that shed some light on what he endured.  In Feb 42, he was stationed in the Middle East with the Fusiliers. He was captured in Tubruk sometime between Feb 42 and May 42 and was taken to Stalag VIIIB (later renumbered to Stalag 344) in Lamsdorf, Poland. He and his compatriots were then made to walk a thousand miles (it took them about a month, I believe) – travelling through Prague – to a Quarantine & Clearing camp in Italy:  Campo 66, near Capua. From there, they were taken to Genoa and he saw out the rest of the war in Camp PG52,  Hut 9.

It’s hard for me to really appreciate the hardships that both my grandfathers went through – in their different ways – during the two conflicts, but it certainly affected them both differently afterwards.

Friendship

Most friendships are fleeting, I would say. They come and go as people’s lives change and move on, and few of us have long-lasting ones.

My oldest and best friend is my mate Paul.

We started work together way back when I was only sixteen, straight out of school.

Unfortunately, we don’t see as much of each other as we once did, as he got married and moved away. A long way. Too far to visit on a regular (or even semi-regular) basis.

But, we keep in touch and Mrs Masher and I visited them last year, spending a very pleasnt weekend with them oop north.

Forty-six years we have known each other.

I’m sort of proud of that fact, because it takes a bit of effort. Distance easily takes a toll on friendships and despite telephones, email and the advent of social media, it’s very easy to lose touch with people.

Unless you make the effort.

Case in point: I popped in to see my dad the other day. He was just saying farewell to some visitors… friends who had stayed overnight.

“Who was that?” I asked.

“Trevor and Val”,  dad answered.

“Oh, what… Trevor, your old  cycling buddy?” Dad nodded. He’d mentioned his mate Trevor several times over the years. “Crikey”, I added, “how long have you two been friends now?”

Dad thought for a moment and then said “Since we were six”.

My dad is eighty-seven.

Now, THAT’S making an effort.

Star Studded Leg

I was looking for an old photo yesterday, when I came across this one.

Many years ago, a friend of mine appeared on the TV show Blankety Blank – at that stage hosted by Les Dawson.

Tiny (ironically nicknamed because he was so big)  was allowed to take two guests with him, so he took his girlfriend and – as I had helped make his application successful – he invited me along as well.

When the time came, I had my leg in plaster, following an incident with my dog, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

We turned up at BBC Television Centre and were ushered in the direction of the studio.  Coming down the stairs at that point was Matthew Kelly, who was a big star at the time due to the television show Game For A Laugh.  As soon as he saw me, he made a beeline and came straight over and shook my hand: we had something in common, as he had recently had his leg in plaster following a parachute landing that didn’t go to plan.

After the show – which my mate won, incidentally – we were invited back to the Green Room for drinks and nibbles with the cast.  My poor memory prevents me from remembering everyone that was on the show, but I do remember Matthew Kelly, Cleo Rocos, Charlie Williams (a popular comedian at the time) and, of course, Les Dawson.

I felt like a bit of a celebrity myself, as they all queued up to sign my plaster cast.

Last to sign was Cleo Rocos, who had shot to fame as Kenny Everett’s sidekick.  She walked over, put an extra layer of bright red lipstick on and then got on her knees and planted a big smacker on my thigh, before signing it.

A few weeks later, at the hospital, I was having the cast removed. As she was doing it, the nurse was reading some of the signatures  on there. “Are these all real?” she asked.

“Oh yeah”, I said nonchalantly, as if those were the social circles I mixed in.

I kept the cast for a while, but it eventually crumbled and I threw it away.

About twenty years later, I heard Cleo being interviewed on the Danny Baker Breakfast Show, as I drove to work.  I pulled over to the side of the road and sent in a text asking whether she remembered kissing my leg.

I felt immensely gratified a few minutes later, when Danny asked her the question live on air and she said that she did remember.

Because it’s something I’ve never forgotten, either.

Speccy Four Eyes

My eyesight started to fail me in my early forties.

Up until then, it had always been spot on.

So what was the catalyst for my eyesight to suddenly start deteriorating?  Well, it could have just been age, of course.

But, I firmly believe it was down to a change of job role: whereas I had been out and about doing stuff, I was now sitting in front of a computer screen for eight hours a day.

And that can’t be good.

That said, I’m still doing it now… and my eyes continue to deteriorate.

But, needs must.

I was in a meeting at work yesterday and I noticed that of the ten of us seated around the table, eight of us were wearing glasses.

I wonder if – as a nation – our eyesight is getting worse, as more and more people are spending more and more time staring at screens.

Alarming Progress

A couple of years ago, I decided I should get an alarm for the garage.  It’s always had one, but it’s not particularly good and now that I have en expensive motorcycle and a not-so-expensive motorcycle and several hundred pounds worth of power tools, I thought maybe it was time to upgrade.

However, I wanted the alarm to have several additional features that are just not available on commercial alarm systems, and so I decided to build my own.

As I say, it’s been a couple of years now since I started this project and it is still sitting on the bench. That’s it in the photo.

Unfortunately, it’s been one of those projects that has gone on and off my back burner quite a lot, and the main reason for that has been the programming side of things – I’m rubbish at it.

It’s also one of those projects that has suffered extensive scope creep… everytime I think I’ve reached a point where I’m happy with it, I find myself thinking “Hmmm… it would be good if it did so and so, as well”, and it then spends another few weeks on the bench while I fail miserably to get the amended programming to work and then lose interest in it.

The most recent example of this is where I decided that the alarm sounder side of things should be changed.  The siren is incredibly loud and the flashing lights are very bright and (trying to imagine every scenario), I thought the neighbours probably wouldn’t appreciate that going on for twenty minutes in the middle of the night, if we were away.  I came up with a solution, but again, my programming skills let me down and so the project headed for it’s home on the back burner. Again.

A chap I was talking to on the radio turned out to be very good at this sort of thing and offered to help, and so one evening last week, over Google Meet, I shared my code with him.  It took him about ten minutes to figure it out – I was doing the right thing, but I was putting the code in the wrong place… damn nested If Then loops!

And so, it is now definitely finished (probably).  I just need tofinish building it, stick it in a box and fit it in the garage.

And then my garage will be protected by an alarm that:

  • Has multiple and adjustable length keypad entry codes
  • Different entry times depending on which entrance is used to access the garage
  • Single button-press alarm setting
  • Auto alarm arming (should you forget to set it when leaving the garage it will arm itself, providing a set of criteria have been met)
  • An incredibly loud siren that sounds in conjuction with some flashing floodlights inside the garage, but which turns off after a set period of time, leaving the floodlights flashing until the whole system resets itself after another set period.
  • A set of floodlights that flash as per above, but can also be switched on and off manually by the keypad when the system is unarmed, to provide a good working light when tinkering with motorbikes, etc.
  • Control of the normal garage lights – ie, the lights come on when the door is opened and go off again when the door is closed and the system is armed (either manually or automatically)
  • Battery backup if the mains supply fails.

So now I need to crack on and get it built (in truth, a lot of it is already done).

But it’s carrently on that back burner again, whilst I think of shit to write in this here blog.

Keeping Up Appearances

There is a route I sometimes take when walking the dog, and the footpath passes in front of three small houses, in a terrace, that are set aside from the rest of the street and look out over the playing field.

A much better vista than the rest of the street, I’d argue.

Probably quite annoying for the postman though, as he can do the whole street as normal, but then has to go the long way round just to get to these three houses.

Anyway, the house on the left is neat and tidy, with a gravel path and a small lawn that is always kept short.

The house on the right is immaculate. It always seems to be freshly painted and the doors and windows are always gleaming. The neat front lawn has a small cherry tree in the middle which is pruned regularly. The front hedge is cut with a laser, I’m sure, as it is not only neat and tidy, but the edges are cut at perfect right-angles and there is not a leaf or a twig out of place..

The house in the middle, however, is a bit of a state. The doors and windows look like they have never been cleaned and are black in places and the wooden window frames are rotten and really need replacing. Weeds grow and hang from the gutters and the pebble-dash facia is stained and cracked. The front garden grass has never been cut – well, not in the several years that I’ve been walking past it –  and in Summer, it reaches knee height and looks a mess where the foxes have run around in it. The small white picket fence at the front is broken and leans out into the path at a jaunty angle, threatening to snag the knees of passers-by.

It’s a mess.

I’ve always assumed that the property must be owned by an elderly person, who struggles with the physical and financial aspects of property maintenance.

But, yesterday I bumped into the lady who lives in the house on the right, as she was walking her dog on the playing field. We’ve spoken many times before, but this time I brought up the subject of the middle house and the way it stuck out like a dirty, sore thumb.

She rolled her eyes and and went on to moan about how it lowered the tone, etc.

“Is it an old person who lives there?” I asked.

“Good Lord, no!” she said. “He’s in his forties, I think.  He’s a solicitor and is doing quite well for himself, I’d say… judging by that flash Porsche he has parked out the back and all the fancy holidays he goes on.”

Different priorities, for different people, I suppose.

A soupçon of vomit

I wrote here a few years ago, that’d I’d not yet found a soup that I didn’t like.

Well, that is no longer the case.

Always willing to try new tastes and flavours, I will often pick up a tin of whatever Heinz’s R&D people have decreed to be the next best thing.

And – more often than not – it really is quite nice… as horrible as the ingredients they have thrown together might sound.

Let’s face it, Pototo and Leek doesn’t sound particularly appetising, but… it works.

So, when I saw some Broccoli and Stilton adorning the soup shelves in my local Sainsbury’s, I didn’t hestate in picking up a tin.

I wish I hadn’t though: it was ‘orrible.

Tasted like sick.

I mean… don’t get me wrong: I still ate it all, but, I really didn’t enjoy it.

Of course, not everybody’s pallette is the same and either of you may well get a very different taste experience from this than I did.

Just don’t come crying to me if it makes you want to retch.

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