“I literally shit a brick”, said a colleague at work who is afraid of dogs, as he recounted the story of how his next door neighbour’s Alsation chased him up the garden path.
“You should have thrown the brick at it,” I said.
“??”
“That brick that you crapped out… you should have thrown it at the dog. Was it like a house brick?”
“No. There wasn’t any brick.”
“But you said that you literally shit a brick. Which means that you did actually pass a brick of some sort out of your backside. Have you still got it?”
“Don’t be stupid. I didn’t shit a brick of any kind. It’s just a saying.”
“So why did you say you ’literally’ shit a brick, if you didn’t? ‘Metaphorically’ or ‘Figuratively’ would have been more correct.”
“Fuck off, before I shove this soldering iron up your arse!”
“What, literally?”
Had to look up the word Pedant in my Lewsey Farm Book of Words I’ll Never Use. It just said Twat!
As a doctor I’m often asked about why people literally “Shit Bricks” or Ejectus Clinkerissimus as we doctors like to call it
Well the simple answer is to inform my patients that Shitting a Brick is literally impossible for an average rectum or arsehole to pass a brick.
The scientific answer is thus: The average brick is approximately 100mm x 80mm x 300mm in size and the average bum hole is approximately 25mm round at it’s maximum stretch therefore using this well known formula B/A = X (Where B is Brick, A is Arsehole and X is Pain) it can be deduced that the laws of physics will not allow a brick to pass through a portal less than it’s own dimensions.
Of course my patients often say that there are circus performers and street entertainers who draw crowds to actually see such an act but I have to burst their bubble here by letting them know these performers are tricksters who use rubber bricks, mirrors and swarfega to confuse a stupid crowd.
Also I like to issue a warning by telling my patients not to try Shitting a Brick as you may find yourself quite literally up shit creek when the shit hits the fan.
I literally dun a lol at the thought of you having a soldering iron anally fitted.
I find it VERY easy to be a pedant, do you want some lessons?
Dotski – yeah, thanks for that.
Dr Pewty – Nice to know I have the backing of the medical profession!
Brennig – Best not to think about it too much.
Toffeeapple – Right, like I need lessons!
Oh the misuse of this fine language. I literally choked on my latte at his final response. I’m such a pretentious pedant.
Ooh, that’s the WORST kind!