Apr 09 2012

Spring has sprung – official

Cleaned off the bird poo, what a pile
Looks much better, by a mile
Anthea Turner, she would smile
‘Cos I’ve cleaned the windows

Oui. Les fenêtres sont propres.  Inside and out. It’s a job I hate, but it’s a job that needed doing. They were filthy and – as alluded to in my little George Formby-esque verse above – one of the upstairs ones had a huge dollop of bird crap on it from one of the pigeons (there’s a pair of the flying vermin that nest in our tree and if I had an air rifle…).

This all came about because Mrs M was in a Spring cleaning frenzy yesterday, flying round the house like a mad thing with hoovers and dusters and damp cloths and rubbish bags. She was making it very difficult for me to relax and enjoy my Star Wars box set. There was much harumphing and skunk eye sent my way as she huffed and puffed around me, and so I decided I’d best lend a hand. Because I’m good like that.

Along with everything else, I also cleaned some bird shit off the sofa.

Off the sofa?

Last weekend, whilst were out shopping in town, I got a phone call from our neighbour. “Your burglar alarm is going off”, he said. “I can’t see anything obvious outside. Do you want me to go in and check?”  And so he did (I hasten to mention that he has a key – he didn’t have to break a window or anything). Ten minutes later, he rang back to tell me that he’d found the problem. “There’s a bird in your living room”.  Somehow – and we’ve still not figured out how as all the windows were closed – a starling had got in the house.  The neighbour managed to shoo it out through a window, but it had left a bit of a mess in the living room in its attempts to get out. I thought I’d managed to clean up all the crap it left behind – mainly on the window sill – but I’d obviously missed the bit that went down the side of the sofa.

Anyway, the sofa was now clean and between us, the house was done top to bottom and we were both knackered at the end of it.

At the kids’ insistence, we all sat down to watch Karate Kid on the telly.

Both Mrs M and I fell asleep.

Wax on… wax off… wax on… wax off… wax on…


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  1. Toffeeapple

    Birds make a dreadful mess when they get indoors, especially if they come down a sooty chimney, as happened to my OH.

    I don’t like cleaning windows either, they never look ‘just so’ as far as I’m concerned.

  2. Dave

    Now you see where you went wrong don’t you. You should have sent for me to sell you lovely new windows with self-cleaning glass!

  3. Arthur Pewty

    Starlings eh?

    Nasty blighters

    I would look out for a tunnel system lurking under your floorboards, Starlings are notorious for digging tunnels, they have beaks like Pneumatic drills some of them.

    It’s not very widely known but the famous Tom Dick & Harry tunnels from the hugely popular bank holiday war film “The Great Escape” were based on designs of the escape tunnels found at the London Zoo Aviary at Regents Park London, during the infamous 1947 Bird freedom flight, where a dozen or so informed Starlings made a bid for freedom from captivity for themselves and any other caged bird with a want for spreading their wings in the open skies.

    They dug three tunnels, and before the balloon went up nearly three hundred dickie birds escaped back into the wild, only three were ever caught, the unfortunate trio made the mistake of hanging around Trafagar Square looking for free seed but were unfortunately “Dobbed in” by bunch of Cockney wide boy Pigeons.

    If you want my advice I would get a cat, a big pussy cat, they’ll keep the birds at bay, Cats have an inbuilt sense of where birds like to tunnel and will soon put a stop to that kind of nonsense.

    Word of warning though, don’t play cards with a cat, They are very good at Cribbage and Poker.

    I know, I lost my last tenner to a Ginger Tom on one for his knob

  4. Brennig

    I knew a bird once who always made a terrible mess in the bedroom. Erm.

    The neighbour managed to shoo it out through a window, but it had left a bit of a mess in the living room in its attempts to get out
    Hands up everyone who thought Young Masher said ‘The neighbour managed to shoot it through a window…


    Just me?

    I’ll get me coat.

    ps: I get my windows cleaned. It’s better that way.

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