The home phone rang yesterday morning. I looked at the CallerID. It showed the dialing code for Sheffield. “Ooh, this could be interesting”, I thought.
I answered it and waited a few seconds for someone at the other end to pick up.
A strong Indian accent told me that it was Andrew calling from Microsoft.
“Hi Andrew”, I said, “are you calling from the Indian office?” The delay on the line indicated that it was definitely long distance.
“No sir, I am calling from Birmingham in the UK. I am calling because our servers are picking up error…”
“So you’re not in India?”
“No sir. Our servers are picking up…”
“Or Sheffield?”
“No no, I am calling from Birmingham. Our servers are picking up error messages from your computer which indicate that someone is trying to hack into it and we would like to help you fix this”
“Hold on! A hacker, you say? In my computer? That’s not good. He could do untold damage in there!”
“Yes sir, that is why we would like to help you fix it. Are you in front of your computer?”
“I mean, he would gain access to all of my bank accounts and could steal all of my money. I’ve read about this sort of thing happening. What should I do?”
“Sir, I will help you fix this. Please press the Windows key and R at the same time. Now type CMD. What do you see?”
“A black window has opened. I’ve never seen that before. Is that right?”
“Yes. Now please type…” He proceeded to give me several commands to type in, but somehow I kept spelling them wrong. We tried this for several minutes before he decided he should pass me to his ‘supervisor’. A few seconds passed then an even stronger Indian accent came on the line. He identified himself as Richard and explained that he would help me by showing me the problem.
“Please open your Google browser and type…”
“I don’t use Google”
“OK, open Internet Explorer and…”
“I don’t use that either”
“What browser do you use?”
“Brave”
“Huh?”
“Brave”
“Er, I… please just open whatever you use and type in ‘support.me’ and tell me what you see”. I followed his instructions, but of course, this took several attempts because I kept spelling it wrong. Eventually I got there.
“OK, I have a page with a box asking for a six-digit code”
“Good. Please enter the code that Microsoft gave you when you bought the computer.” Hmmm, OK, this was a new twist.
“Sorry, I don’t remember Microsoft giving me a code”
“If you don’t have it, I can generate a new code for you”. Ahh, I see what you’re doing. Clever.
“No, hold on, I have the paperwork here somewhere, if you will just give me a minute.”
“Sir, I will generate a new code to save you time. Right, our server has now generated a new six-digit code for you. Please type in ‘q… 3… capital D…”
I looked at the clock and – fun as this was – I only had five minutes before my 10:00 meeting.
“Hold on”, I said, “how can you generate a new code for me when you haven’t even asked for my account details?”
“Our server is able to do this sir, we already have all your account details. Please type q…”
“OK then. if you have all my details, what’s my name?”
There was a few seconds pause, then “Oh go fuck yourself!” and he put the phone down on me.
I’m thinking of writing to Microsoft in Birmingham (or Sheffield) and putting in a strongly worded complaint about Richard.