Category: Rants & Raves

Sep 18 2017

Sleeping dogs don’t lie

It’s three o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’ll tell you for why. Last night (Sat/Sun), for the first time, I didn’t put the dog in her cage when we went to bed. She always lays at the top of the stairs, of an evening, and manages to put on the sad doggy …

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Aug 25 2017

Car Insurance

My car insurance renewal came through the letterbox today. I was taken aback somewhat to see that it had gone up… by 54% FIFTY-FOUR PERCENT! That’s just mad. It sent me a little giddy, to be honest. Once I’d regained my composure, I read further down the letter. “Relax”, it said. “You don’t need to …

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Jun 24 2017

Get out of my ear!

I’ve got an ear-worm. I hate that term. It sounds like some sort of gross infection. I prefer to call it “I’ve got a song stuck in my head”. Which I have. I don’t know where it came from, but Ultravox’s hit, Vienna, somehow made its way into my consciousness some weeks back. I managed …

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May 13 2017

Alliterative Arses

Spending the amount of time that I do, driving on the M1 and around the M25, I tend see some terrible driving. I may have mentioned this before. Once. On many occasions, the offenders tend to be young lads in VW Golfs, who think they own the road, but of course, I should mention that …

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Feb 26 2017


Did you know that it’s actually safe and legal to drive at high speed on the hard shoulder, if it is empty and the three lanes of the motorway are at a standstill, so long as you put your hazard lights on. No, I didn’t know that either. But I know it must be true, because I have seen …

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Feb 04 2017

Hang that bloody DJ

Why do disc jockeys (are they still called that?) play their music so loud? I’m not talking about the ones on the wireless, I’m moaning about the guys who do the music at a family party. Every party I’ve ever been to, the DJ has played the music far too loud. Now, I can (and …

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Feb 03 2017

Motorway madness

Some years ago, they (whoever they are) did some extensive work, adding an extra lane to a large stretch of the M1. From junction 10 all the way down to the M25 turn off at junction 7. Two years it took, but it was worth it, because it made a big difference to the traffic …

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Dec 31 2016


Once again, I’ve been overlooked in the New Year Honours list. I’ll be honest: it upsets me a little. I mean, even Posh Spice got one this year. Yes! Posh Spice! For services to… being a skinny, sour-faced, multi-millionaire. Probably. Oh well, maybe next time. Happy New Year to you both.

Oct 28 2016

Drilling for gold

I went to the dentist today. The receptionist smiled at me as I approached the desk. “Can I help you?” “Yes. The name’s Masher. I have an appointment at 8:30 with Miss Patel”. She looked at her screen quizzically for a moment and then: “Ahh yes, here you are. Could you confirm your date of …

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Oct 17 2016

It’s been so long…

… since I wrote here last, that I actually struggled to remember my log in password!   So, what has been happening? Not much really, hence the dearth of posts. I’ve been to a couple of family functions in ye olde Ruislip: a funeral and a 50th wedding anniversary (I was a page boy at …

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Sep 24 2016

Driven to distraction

I spent six and a half hours on the road yesterday. Six and a half hours! I only went to Dartford and back. Six and a half hours to do 120 miles. It would literally have been quicker for me to have gone on my pushbike. Of course, this was all down to stupid people. …

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Sep 13 2016

More of Auntie’s hyperbole

The Internet? Stunned? Really? C’mon BBC, you’re better than this. At least, you used to be.

Aug 06 2016

Honest John’s Motors

The current Mrs M has bought herself a nice new car. This meant that she needed to sell the old one, of course. Not being one to want to faff about with a constant stream of visitors wanting to take test drives, and looking for a quick sale, she thought she’d give WeBuyAnyCar dot com …

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Jul 31 2016

Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster*

This sort of thing really annoys me! CLICKY They are not ‘engineers’. They are blokes digging up the road and laying plastic ducts to carry cables. And they are not even employed directly by Virgin Media. They are contractors. Another example of media hyperbole being used for attention grabbing headlines. If it’s a slow news …

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Jul 20 2016

Innit hot?

Right, that’s enough talk about the weather. Regular readers will be aware of me using my blog to rant and rave and moan about the pigeons shitting on my car, on numerous occasions. Both of you may even remember me saying that if I had half a chance, I’d kill the little blighters. Well… On Saturday, …

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Jul 07 2016

Having a shit

Dropping the kids off at the pool; negotiating the release of some chocolate hostages; bombing Porcelain Harbour; curling one out; taking a dump. It’s a natural bodily function. We all do it (apart from Her Majesty The Queen, of course). It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But we do it in private. Because that’s the …

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Jul 05 2016

Out of touch

I left my phone(s) at home yesterday when I went to work. This is something I’ve done a little too frequently, but luckily, I normally notice when I’m just a few minutes down the road. But not yesterday. Yesterday, I realised I was phoneless when I was about halfway through my two-hour journey to work. …

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Jun 28 2016

28. A Favourite Song From The Last Decade

I got nothing. Again. So… I can’t remember how long it took, but a while later, Jacko was back on his feet and the concert was re-scheduled. Of course, they honoured our original tickets. Mrs M and I duly went along, this time with other members of her family, as the original lot weren’t able …

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May 28 2016

Rage Hard

The roads haven’t been kind to me this week and I’ve spent a lot of time just sitting in the car. Monday – Awful journey on the M25. Because it was a Monday. And it was on the M25 Tuesday – Bloody horrendous journey. My normal 90 min journey to Dartford took 3 hours, thanks to …

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Apr 16 2016

Mr Angry

On our flight back from holiday, the chap seated next to me – but across the aisle – was complaining from the moment we got on the plane: the TV screen built in to the seat back in front of him wasn’t working – in fact, none of the screens in a whole section on …

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Mar 13 2016

Trolley Dolly Folly

I flew up to Edinburgh t’other day, on business. It was the earliest morning flight out of Luton and the SleazyJet plane was half empty. Business men and women (and me) were spread out throughout the aircraft, with many of us having a row of seats to ourselves… which was nice. One or two were …

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Feb 28 2016

I’ll put a spell on you

As you both know, I love a spelling mistake. Let me rephrase that. As you both know, I hate spelling mistakes. I also have an annoying penchant for pointing them out to people. At work, we have a weekly meeting where we review the previous week’s successes and failures. A report showing a million fact, …

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Feb 27 2016


Following on from yesterday’s little moan about mobile phones, I thought I’d mention another thing about them that annoys me. I was on a course a couple of weeks back… just for a day. An introduction to project management, if you must know. Now, in the old days, when we used to go on courses, when …

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Feb 24 2016

Owning the road

I left for work yesterday morning at my usual time of about 6.30 I drove up Humberstone Road, with several cars ahead of me and a Range Rover behind me. We were all driving slightly faster than the speed limit, in an attempt to get to the traffic lights before they changed. Looking in my mirror, …

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Feb 23 2016

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs, but…

Yesterday, I went up to Wigan and then on to Liverpool. No, this wasn’t a holiday… it was work related. However, I can’t really mention it here due to commercial confidence… or summat. Anyway, trust me: it’s nothing exciting. But, as I strode the streets of Liverpool, I noticed something that I haven’t seen in …

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Feb 16 2016

So much easier in the old days

As I mentioned earlier, I’m toying with the idea of getting a new camera. And of course, when it comes to buying a new toy, the internets is a boon for doing some research on it. Or is it? In the old days – before the internets – if I wanted to buy something, I …

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Feb 13 2016


I’ve been thinking of buying a new camera, for use on our forthcoming holiday later this year. As usual, the one I fancy is a bit pricey, so I’ve been looking around t’internet, trying to find the best price. And then, I wondered about actually buying it from the Duty Free shop at the airport. …

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Feb 11 2016


I drove to Chingford yesterday morning. Northeast London. Now, whenever I drive that way, my satnav always tells me to take the M10. However, ever since they did the major changes to that area of the M1 some years back, I’ve always missed the M10 turnoff. I assumed this to be because they moved the sliproad and I …

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